I’m coming to the realization that I had to grow up too quickly and then ran off and took care of myself, but it has really not gotten any easier with time. I’m not sure I can do it anymore. I feel myself turning into my mother, but I’m just not as strong or able to ignore myself as she was.
By turning into my mom, I mean I’m forced to be more and more self sacrificing by the situations I end up in, and I feel alone. My first home is literally and figuratively fucked up, I’m getting older and not getting any closer to the things I want, I’m still trying to fix my finances after a terrible ex, and I don’t know when the last time I’ve been to a doctor or dentist was because, insurance or not, it costs and definitely more than I’m worth. I’m smoking more and more, even though it’s making it hard to breathe and I have a bad cough. I spent a late night watching Disney movies with my husband, only to wake up right after he went to work…to our puppy crying. Atlas has another medical issue, but this time more serious, and another soon-to-be vet debt. It’s a good thing that last night when my husband wanted to take me to finally get this awful, small tattoo covered up, I didn’t want to go without him…I saved some money for more vet debt!
A year left to finish college, but I don’t think that will happen. Dreams of being involved in movie production that I don’t think will happen. I’m just swallowing it all with a smile because there’s plenty of time to cry when I’m home alone.