White Lies

Fibbing only makes my life harder.
“I got up early but I got rushed!”
Okay, so…how did that make you late?
You let the puppy out?
Then why are there 99.9% certain signs
That you didn’t?
You didn’t even take him out of his kennel
Judging by the spilled but unchewed Uno cards
You got up early to spend time with me
But it didn’t work out?
Just doesn’t add up
I’ll see you in a week or two.

Positive Thoughts

So…
I attend a pagan group now
Science-based spirituality
I’m going to try going barefoot
And not care what is thought
Maybe it will change my self confidence
I’m a part of “the lifestyle”
I’m a bratty little to an adoring Daddy
Who happens to be my Husband and Dom
We have Teddy
Who we love immensely
I’ve been to three states
Without any help from my family
I’m a military wife
Which I never saw coming
I run a roleplay community
And Hubby and I
Love LARP and reenactment
Supernatural and gaming
I cook Indian food
And have an herb garden
But I have bipolar
And a crippling fear of judgment
I live with horrid episodes
Bouts of depression
I live life struggling with terror
When I forget
Perhaps I can remember
All that I’ve become
Despite

Triggers

Lack of sleep
Others who aren’t as motivated
Dedicated or productive
When I’m trying to be
Crying myself to sleep
Messes
My family (sometimes)
Being left alone with my thoughts
Abandonment

The Truth I’ll Never Say

I have never gotten along
With most other girls
Yet here I am
In a world of Army wives
Having lost any friend
When they went away
Or after I did
I am trying to fix myself
But I’m sleeping less and less
Caring for a husband
Home and puppy
I never dreamed of any of this
But love happened
Like an incurable disease
I miss the affection I used to get
When you’d kiss me goodbye and go
Now I play chauffer and zookeeper
Chef and maid
I don’t have time for me
This isn’t my life anymore
Have a mile long list
Of things to get done
And its all up to me
Alone

Biggest Fear

I’m terrified
That when I’m old
My life will size up
More in tears
Than in light

mostbeautifulquotes:

The Most Beautiful Love Quotes

19

Five years ago
I was getting high
Meeting scum bags online
Yet it feels like forever ago
I don’t remember it
If I met 19-year-old me
On the street
We’d be strangers
Staring at each other
As if we should know something
Say something
But we don’t
So few from then
Would recognize me now
And you’d be surprised
To see where I came from

B L I N D

I hate the way I have to wonder
Am wishing I could stay ignorant
Always someone there
Going to contradict what you say
To enlighten me
Wish you were not screwing yourself
I never thought to doubt you
Was contently trustful about daily life
Never until this morning
Broken and with little sleep
And she said, “That didn’t happen”
Made to open my eyes
Useless here in my chair

Cover one eye
It will test if I’m truly blind if I just look
Up and read the first word on each line

Because I Have To

I’ll write
Because you want me to
Regardless
Of what I want to do
Sanity is
Hanging by a thread
I can’t help
Fantasies of being dead
Regardless
Of what I want to do
Because this
Is what life has pushed me to

I don’t think I can do this
I bear a brand
Bad wife
I’m not fit to ever be a mother
I can’t give you the things you need
And I can’t do anything right
Or for myself
Ever fiber of my being
Wants to snap
Has so many things to say
Before a bitter end
Being here
Has only made me see
How poorly I function
I don’t think I can do this
Too many things to fix
And I’m giving up all my dreams
For you

My boys, Seth and Atlas.

Atlas

We got lost
Mountains rose up to block us
And the sea tried to carry us away
It seemed this place would defeat us
But found a way to carry the whole universe
Watching the expanses
Of dancing light and dark
Pinpricks of tears in the fabric
A void that has been filled
By new perfection and beauty
We stand as sons and daughters
Of a green and blue orb
Products of chaos and night
Translating the moon
An island of growth
And we will find our bearings

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